Female Privilege is Like Santa Claus
It doesn’t exist, even if you might wish it did.
Every time I hear a bro talk about supposed “female privilege,” I really start to wonder if growing up in a patriarchal society has caused a legitimate cognitive impairment in men.
They love to claim to be the more logical and rational ones, but this ability seems to vanish if you’re talking about sexism, misogyny or systemic male privilege. The absolute rage they show in the face of being asked to simply look in the mirror certainly flies in the face of everything they like to say about women being volatile, emotional creatures. In fact, I have men trolling the comment sections of my videos and articles for weeks on end simply because they are so pressed by what I’ve said. Imagine if they dedicated that same amount of time actually listening to and learning from women? Who knows what we might be able to achieve.
Instead, they’ll try to tell you that women getting half-priced drinks at the bar on Thursdays is a privilege equivalent to that of men who get to make their own healthcare decisions. Meanwhile, as we speak, pregnant women are dying from sepsis across this country because their state will not allow them to have medically necessary, life-saving abortions. Little girls are being raped by their fathers and told they have to carry their resulting pregnancies to term or find a way to travel somewhere that will actually grant them the human right to terminate a fetus born of incest. The degradation is monstrous, and yet, men somehow think pressure to pay for a date’s dinner rises to the same level of indignity.
Given the audacity and cognitive dissonance required to argue such things, I was compelled to go down a research rabbit hole to find out what is wrong with men’s brains. And guess what? I found out that there is actually a body of sociological and psychological research to purport that male privilege negatively affects men’s development as human beings. Further, this body of research also shows that even when men cry discrimination or bemoan mythical female privilege, they actually don’t care — it has no effect on their psychological well being. While for women, both acts of and thoughts about gender discrimination were directly correlated with decreased feelings of well-bring, stress and decreased self-esteem. As such, it’s not illogical to suggest that the challenges men face are not of a concerted, substantive, systematic nature. If they were, it’s likely research would show a mental impact similar to their female counterparts — but they aren’t, so they don’t.
(Proactive PSA: I’ve linked a few of an array of studies, do your own work from here.)
Busting the Myth of Female Privilege
Let’s start with the absolute basics here. Male privilege allows men to gain economic, political and social advantages based solely on the fact that they have a dick or are male-presenting, not because they are smarter or inherently more deserving of those privileges than women. Male privilege does NOT refer to some single solitary use of power — it describes systemic power structures that substantively disadvantage women.
Examples of male privilege at work can be glaring, like men getting paid more than women for doing the same job or rape cases across all states being severely under-prosecuted. They can also be more subtle and insidious, like men never having to worry about being denied a business opportunity or promotion if they have children or men’s pain being taken more seriously by doctors. Male privilege is also at play when we talk about women doing the majority of unpaid domestic labor and men not thinking twice about how they will be judged on their clothing choice in social or professional situations. Even more troubling, male privilege often results in men getting all the, “himpathy,” in the world (as Kate Manne calls it). This is the idea that male perpetrators in cases of sexual assault, harassment and other misogynistic behavior get disproportionate or inappropriate sympathy extended to them over their victims. You see this in action when newspapers opine over the “bright futures” rapists have lost, as if they were somehow also victims of rape instead of its perpetrators.
Female privilege, on the other hand, does indeed involve single solitary uses of power, at least as men describe it. They talk about things like “needing” to buy girls drinks at bars so they’ll talk to and hopefully sleep with them. These instances are almost always relegated to the private sphere — dating, relationships — as opposed to being widely observable, and they don’t result in a measurable pattern of male disadvantaging. You may get rejected or not get the sex you were hoping for, but that’s the extent of it. How. Terrible.
And the funny thing is, men don’t or simply won’t recognize the fact that these expectations exist in the first place because we’ve been raised in a patriarchal society. (You know, the thing big, bad feminists are always trying to dismantle?) Men continually reinforce hegemonic ideas of masculinity while simultaneously complaining about them when they don’t suit them. They like the idea that men are considered strong leaders, until they take a woman on a date, that is, and then they’re big mad about the expectation to pay for dinner. After all, if a free meal can’t guarantee them something sexual in return, what’s the point?
This is the most common misconception of female privilege, the idea that women should be thankful that they are the beneficiaries of “chivalry.” What this fails to acknowledge — aside from the false equivalency drawn between it and legitimate male privilege — is that these very acts reinforce the patriarchal idea that women are weak, submissive and need to be cared for. It also ignores the fact these actions are often unwanted altogether and are not performed as genuine acts of altruism. To the contrary, when men do the “nice guy” gentleman routine, they’re doing it with the expectation of getting something in return. And when they don’t, the results are dire for women — we are beaten, raped and murdered because men feel entitled to our bodies. If we fight back, we are prosecuted and imprisoned for defending ourselves and our families against abusers.
Inevitably, whenever women talk about male privilege, men will rush to level various whataboutisms at us with alarming speed. For starters, they’ll chime in to incredulously ask, “what about male suicide rates?!” ignoring that these rates are not evidence of female privilege, but of the fact that living in a patriarchal society promotes norms of masculinity that are harmful to men’s mental health. Saying that women are privileged because they don’t kill themselves at an equal rate assumes that women somehow benefit from men killing themselves, which is unequivocally false. And only men, who have grown up thinking that everything is win-or-lose, will somehow also want to compete for the title of biggest victim.
Men also like to say that because more women are getting college educations or dominate certain professions that this too is evidence of female privilege, but this once again predictably ignores the patriarchy’s influence here. Jobs typically seen as “manly” — namely, manual labor jobs — don’t require college degrees. “Feminine” jobs like nursing and teaching, on the other hand, do — not to mention that these fields also often offer safe, welcoming spaces for women as opposed to manual labor jobs where sexual harassment and bullying is more prevalent. Thus, a major obstacle keeping men out of college or certain career paths may very well be the gender role expectations at play. It should also be noted that when men do choose to go into traditionally female-dominated professions, research has shown there is a “glass escalator” effect where they end up being overrepresented in leadership positions! But tell me more about how ya’ll are suffering from endless female privilege.
The most common retort I hear from men in this conversation, however, is in regards to the perceived bias against them in divorce and custody proceedings. This myth is as pervasive and far-fetched as the one about pop rocks and soda making your stomach explode. Readily available information across reputable legal databases online show that this is simply not true. Foremost, parents settle 91% of child custody cases outside of court. So there is no biased court system or judge at play in the majority of custody cases at all. Rather, the parents themselves are responsible for their custody arrangements, with women getting full custody just over half of the time.
In the small percentage of cases that do go to court, if fathers fight for sole or joint custody they are likely to get it. Even 30 years ago, 94% of fathers who fought for it won. What’s troubling about this is the fact that abusive fathers are especially successful in obtaining custody despite documented cases of violence — 72% of these men win their custody cases. And when both parents fight for custody, mothers get it only 7% of the time. I don’t know how men can look at these numbers and still somehow claim victimhood here.
The typical Men’s Rights Activist will then scream next, “but what about child support?!” And to this, I say, what about it? Just 44% of custodial parents get the full amount of child support they are owed and research shows that the support that is provided is typically a third of what it actually costs to raise a child. The average father pays $431.75 per month (a mere 9% of their average income), when the average monthly cost to raise a child is approximately $1,416. The idea that women are somehow taking this small amount and using it to buy new Louboutin's every month is just another misogyny-driven myth. And buckle up for this one, dudes, but when fathers get child support they actually get more money from mothers! Census data shows women make an average annual payment of $6,526 or $543.83 per month. This equates to 16% of their income, which means mothers are paying almost double, as a share of their income, what fathers pay.
And even if we examine the custody cases that do go to court where men lose custody, you have to look at who is responsible for the decision-making here. In general, men are the ones making these court decisions across the board. There are 94 district courts across the country. And of these 94 courts, there are currently 203 women judges, while there are 418 men judges. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at your fellow dudes.
As for divorce in general, most men will immediately bring up alimony payments, but the Supreme Court ruled in 1979 that alimony must be gender neutral. This means alimony must always paid by the higher-earning spouse, no matter who that might be. It’s also worth noting the findings of research that has examined the effects of divorce on men and women. Three main themes emerge that I will quote directly from the study:
“First, men were more vulnerable to short-term consequences of divorce for subjective measures of well-being, but post-divorce adaptation alleviated gender differences. Second, a medium-term view showed more similarity than differences between women and men in terms of subjective economic well-being; mental health, physical health, and psychological well-being; residential moves, homeownership, and satisfaction with housework; chances of re-partnering, social integration with friends and relatives, and feelings of loneliness. Third, the key domain in which large and persistent gender differences emerged were women’s disproportionate losses in household income and associated increases in their risk of poverty and single parenting. Taken together, these findings suggest that men’s disproportionate strain of divorce is transient, whereas women’s is chronic.”
To summarize, it’s basically the reverse of what men try to argue. Women experience a greater negative impact from divorce, on average. Excuse me while I feign surprise.
The final argument I’ve heard from men on this topic, and one of the most bizarre, is that women are never held accountable for anything, while men are consistently “punished.” I have a feeling that this stems from the false perceptions of custody and divorce I just shared, in addition to being tied up with more general misogynistic attitudes. An like most claims about female privilege, this couldn’t be further from the truth. You’d have to be going through life with your eyes and ears closed to think this is even close to reality.
Powerful and privileged men often get away with extraordinarily bad behavior all the time, especially when directed toward more vulnerable people. Donald Trump became THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD even though he has a history of sexual assault, accused rape, and well-documented misogyny. Clarence Thomas and Brett Kavanaugh were nominated to the HIGHEST COURT OF THE LAND even after being credibly accused of the same thing, not to mention the other allegations of bribery and corruption levied against Thomas as we speak. And let’s not forget that nearly all of your favorite male actors and sports players are domestic abusers who continue to happily rake in millions of dollars every year.
Even if you’re not particularly powerful or rich, if you are a man (especially a white man) your odds are still great for getting away with denigrating and abusing women. Look at the case of Randy Vanett, a working-class white man who admitted to police that he raped his girlfriend while she was unconscious — ON TAPE no less — and they still didn’t pursue any legal action against him. The idea that men haven’t been getting away with this shit for hundreds of years is simply willful and weaponized ignorance.
What’s even more repugnant is that research shows men actually know they have privilege; it’s no longer Peggy McIntosh’s idea of an “invisible knapsack” they carry, innocently unaware of the ways in which they may oppress women. Instead, men are employing specific strategies to actively reframe and silence their privilege. They either justify it as the result of their personal, individual achievement or as a natural advantage of male bodies, which are fallacies that continue to be upheld by the patriarchal, neoliberal society within which we live.
The bottom line is this — the data doesn’t lie. Just because a few of you have had a shitty girlfriend doesn’t mean that men’s privilege and the resulting oppression of women does not exist, nor does it mean that your negative experiences rise to the level of systemic injustice. Just because what I’m saying makes you feel defensive doesn’t mean this is not the reality of women’s lives. And just because I get a free drink or two from a sad ding dong at the bar once in a while is not evidence that women somehow reign supreme over your lives. Quite frankly, we all need the liquor to deal with the constant onslaught of your bullshit day in and day out.
So, fuck you very much.
