Men Are Trash: Dating Profile Edition
Decoding Men’s Favorite Dating Profile Lines and Photos
Thanks to the Internet, TikTok and generally being alive in the world, 99% of straight women have come to the conclusion that 99% of straight men are trash (evidence here and here). Lucky for us, they’re painfully obvious about their douchery, particularly “on the apps.” If you’ve seen any of the below in a dude’s dating profile, consider it your official warning — just cut your losses now and rewatch the Hot Priest season of Fleabag.
LINE: Swipe right if… “You don’t take life too seriously”
TRANSLATION: “ I don’t like being held accountable for anything I do and would prefer to date a human doormat.”
These are the type of misogynists who want to be able to say things like, “women aren’t funny” and “that dress makes you look slutty” without repudiation. They tell you you’re “being too sensitive” if you express any boundary and process your confidence as a threat because they’re deeply insecure. The bottom line is, they don’t want to be “made to feel bad” for anything — that’s your job.
LINE: I’m looking for: “No heavy makeup. No daddy issues. No drama. No…”
TRANSLATION: “I’m insufferable.”
This dude proudly rolls out a laundry list of things he doesn’t like about women because he actually offers nothing of value himself. It’s all too common to see this kind of thing in the “About Me” section of a dating profile, and it might be set up with the equally unbearable “Don’t bother messaging me if…” Hating and stereotyping everything about women is your entire personality — we get it. I’m positively tingly at the idea of fucking such an unbearable twat.
LINE: “I’m an open book — just ask!”
TRANSLATION: “I can’t even bother to put effort into a dating profile, so I certainly won’t put any into an actual relationship.”
For all intents and purposes, this the “nice guy” version of “Impress me…” — both these kinds of dudes think they’re entitled to women and sex because they happen to have a dick. The “open book” guy just doesn’t want to be as obvious about it. They think they’re the prize and you should work to pursue them. Here, there is no interest in a relationship as a partnership, and these guys can range from just plain lazy to manipulative male-ego-maniacs.
LINE: “My friends describe me as the king of sarcasm.”
TRANSLATION: “I’m a big manly man who can’t express emotion because it makes me feel funny.”
Aside from the fact that describing oneself as the “king of” anything is just cringe, dudes that say they’re “fluent in sarcasm” can actually be signaling a couple of troubling things. One, they are unable to have genuine conversations about serious topics because they don’t like feeling vulnerable — vulnerability is a sign of male weakness, after all. Two, they want to be able to be a dick to you and get away with it. Sarcasm is not the same as witty banter, as many men mistake it to be — it’s the ruder, cruder step-child that will get them nowhere fast.
PHOTO: Anything involving children that aren’t theirs
TRANSLATION: “I’m a creeeeeeeep, I’m a weirdooooooo…” (a la Radiohead)
There is nothing I hate more than a man who puts his niece in a dating profile pic. I literally shudder at the thought. For one, there’s a good chance he thinks women are just big walking wombs who will be unable to resist the maternal pull of a man who is even remotely associated with a child. And two, he’s trying to convince you he’s a “good guy” who understands women’s issues because he’s an uncle or a godfather. This falls in line with the kind of male politicians who say they understand the importance of abortion rights because they’re a husband or a father. How about you just understand human decency and bodily autonomy? It shouldn’t take being directly related to a woman for you to have basic empathy.
PHOTO: Look at me! I’m on a boat!
TRANSLATION: “I hope this access to a boat makes you think I have money, because I KNOW money is the number one thing ladies care about, but I will also complain if you actually say you do care about how much I make because that’s reverse sexism.”
I guess there is something to be said for the guy not straight out posting a photo of a money clip with a wad of cash…but still. This gives me icky Siesta Key / my mommy’s name is Muffy vibes. This guy is shallow, insecure and probably likes to describe himself as an “entrepreneur” because he hopes to one day come up with a new app. No biggie that he hasn’t had one original thought in his entire life and doesn’t know what coding is.
PHOTO: Gym or bathroom mirror selfie (flexing, shirtless or otherwise giving grunt energy)
TRANSLATION: “My pee pee…it is so small.”
‘Nuff said.
